
Have you ever felt like a zombie?
Have you ever tried to be someone that you're not?
Have you tried to break the mold, but nothing is working?
Are you living your vision?
At age 15, I felt like a walking zombie. There was no light in my life.
I believed I was nothing. I dragged myself through the world always looking down at the pavement and unable to look up.
Until, I ran away from home.
I left my colorless abusive life and never went back. I chose something different and began seeking new possibilities and freedom.
Over the years I started asking questions. How could I find peace? How could I be free to be my true self?
I had to undo a life of thinking myself worthless and insecure...
Have you ever felt like a zombie?
Have you ever tried to be someone that you're not?
Have you tried to break the mold, but nothing is working?
Are you living your vision?
At age 15, I felt like a walking zombie. There was no light in my life.
I believed I was nothing. I dragged myself through the world always looking down at the pavement and unable to look up.
Until, I ran away from home.
I left my colorless abusive life and never went back. I chose something different and began seeking new possibilities and freedom.
Over the years I started asking questions. How could I find peace? How could I be free to be my true self?
I had to undo a life of thinking myself worthless and insecure...
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I tried to find freedom through a career and study as an actor. It brought vibrancy for a short time, but ultimately, I found myself dealing with a different set of expectations and another box to jam myself into. I was seeking authenticity but began losing myself to my insecurities and the “business” of acting. I tried to manipulate myself into being something I wasn’t in order to be successful.
Have you ever tried to be something you’re not in order to meet someone else’s standard of success? |
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I have. And during that time, the true me was drowning under false smiles, false relationships, and a lot of confusion.
To break free, I turned to therapists, recreational drugs, religion, books, travel, my liberal arts education, and anything else that might help. I tried to end the constant cycle of mental chatter telling me I was worthless, so I joined a Tibetan Buddhist meditation center. I enjoyed the practice but my mind would not cease with the self-attack. I wanted to feel at home in my body so I trained in yoga and primal movement, which revealed a gap between my physical body and my heart but did not help me bridge it. I sought spiritual connection and meaning, so I experimented with hallucinogens, which expanded my perceptions of the world, but my life did not change. I was learning and making steps, but at the end of the day my heart wasn’t free. I was still a slave to other people’s expectations. Where have you tried to get out of the zombie apocalypse, and where have you failed? I remember sitting on the floor of my bedroom. My heart was broken. I had recently been dumped. My friends were gone. I reached over to my nightstand for anything that would help- drugs, a book, my phone- but nothing was there. I was alone. I couldn’t escape myself, and I wept. I had wanted the world to fix me. I just wanted to feel better. In that moment, I saw a choice. Was I going to keep running or was I going to take responsibility and face my own heart. I looked out the window. I breathed in the twilight. I chose my life. That simple choice led me on a road to freedom, where I would continue to rededicate myself to living life alive! |